SPOILER ALERT!

All “Kiss and Tell” blogs end in blissful sex and sweet-magic-glory.

They are essentially what is known as LR’s or Lay Reports. This is are where you will find a lot of hardcore tactical stuff that Is fresh on my mind because it just happened. Rather than just talking about a concept or something, I will jot down whatever sexual escapades I was involved in last night and what needed to occur in order to me, or one of my esteemed colleagues, Wizzy or Nathaniel Dank, to get the girl.

I do not like the term “Lay Report” to describe a written account of a successful seduction…so I will refrain from calling it that. Sounds too mechanical or something. Like doing homework. However, I do have, and will continue to have a lot of brilliant stories that end similarly. With the all-desired outcome of blissful romping and consensual perversion. I think there is a good bit of value and information that a reader could take from these stories and use to further their own deviance.

Okay so last night…this is a good one. There is a girl named Madelyn that I dated briefly, but haven’t seen in 3 years because she had gone off to college elsewhere, and we just didn’t really keep in touch.

I had tried to at first, but her number changed and she didn’t have a MySpace or Facebook page, so my attempts were botched. Usually around Christmas and summer time of the years, (when I figured she would be back in town at her parents’ house) I would try again to find her number somewhere, or try to find her online. Useless. She had gotten away…

I thought she was really cool and beautiful so I always sort of missed her. It felt a shame that we didn’t get to spend more time together. And probably never will now.

Yesterday I am in the passenger seat. Wizzy Sleeve is driving. We are going down the street when I see a beautiful woman standing outside of the church right by my house. She had an elegant posture, long brown hair, and a rack that almost caused at least one car accident. I could tell she was my type from a block away.

As we get closer, I realize that she is very familiar. Standing there all done up in her Sundays best, there she is. Right as we pass, for a split second we make direct eye contact through the car window. I was overjoyed.

“Dude! Turn around! Turn Around!” I began to wail out- nearly grabbing the wheel. Wizzy didn’t see anything and was all “WTF??”

“That girl in the red dress! The girl that was standing right there! You didn’t see her?”

“Who?”

“Madelyn! Remember her from way back? That was her! I’m positive of it.”

Wizzy, being a hell of a sport, makes a U-turn and we drive back around. She is gone. All I had was a searing image in my head, and no possible way of contacting her.

I figured the best thing to do was to try and forget about it. So I just went about my day. One of the girls I am currently hanging out with Tracy, texts me around 7pm and invites me to come over and smoke a bowl with her. So I head over there, We get lifted and watch “Freaky Friday”. Nice.

Skip ahead just a little bit, my phone rings and it is her. Madelyn. No fucking way.

What had happened pretty wild. She had recognized me from inside the car, and because she was leaving church…she thought it was some kind of sign from God.

So she got on a friend’s facebook page that afternoon and got my cell number from there and called me around 9. She said she was back in town, staying at her parents’ house, and that they were out of town and I should come over. Sounds like fun to me.

I had to abruptly leave Tracy, saying nothing more than “Hey, I’ve got to go. See you Wednesday, right?”

She was cool. And a lot of the time when you’re first seeing a girl, it can be a good idea to leave abruptly anyway. Especially if you are at her place, you should always excuse yourself before she has a chance to be like “Yeaaaaahhh so….it’s getting pretty late….I’ve got to be up early…I think I’ll just take a shower and go to bed soon.”

I am also pretty vague about my whereabouts. Don’t go thinking “Oh this would be a great spot to throw in a jealousy plotline!…and tell her you’re going over to another girls house. Be cool. Weigh out your pros and cons of staying or leaving and carry on. In this case It was a no brainer. I had to go see Madelyn.

I like same night lays as much as the next guy. But honestly, you’ve got to understand that a lot of the time, you really are better off dragging it out a while and building more attraction- laying groundwork- being aloof and playing a little hard to get.

I knew that I could check out, go handle some unfinished business with a long lost old flame, and that Tracy would still be around tomorrow. Probably more attracted because hot girls are usually the ones who have to try and get guys to leave. Almost any time you can flip the script on her and do the unexpected thing, you are going to be building attraction.

So I get over to Madelyn’s house and I quickly assessed the situation and found that:

· Because of the 3 year time gap, there was the potential for awkwardness

· Her friend was there, which would be preventing isolation for a while

· Since I don’t have a car, and took a cab over there, it would be a lot better if I spent the night…with Madelyn. Naked.

I sized this all up almost immediately and went about my strategy. My solutions to these three problems were

· Assume Familiarity

· Romance the Cockblock and

· Escalate subtly but quickly

Okay what I am talking about here is that I couldn’t let the time gap turn me into an outsider. So I literally acted like that 3 years didn’t happen. At first. Of course there was later in the night when we were telling our “catch up” stories…but I instantly treated her the way I would have if we were still dating 3 years ago. I didn’t act like “Ohhh how cool it is to see you again…what have you been up to?”

I went in very touchy feely from the beginning, setting the playful fun guy tone. And setting the frame that things were no different now than they were last time we were drinking wine out here by her pool.

I assumed familiarity. When you act as if things are a certain way, you project that feeling, and it is comfortable. It creates a warm feeling and puts people at ease. Lets them be themselves.

People would much rather be comfortable than awkward and weird. And women want sex as much as men do. So I always like to put these two neat little axioms together and create an environment where I project that I am absolutely comfortable and assume she is too. From there I focus on her and stimulate feelings of excitement, passion and happiness. This dictates standards. It sets the frame for the entire interaction.

When you detach from yourself and project outwards in this state, you leave behind your internal weirdness and self consciousness. You’re able to really be in the moment and focus on her. This draws women into you like fucking magic.

Deep and penetrating eye contact is important here. When you get this relaxed unwavering eye contact down- you can almost run game telepathically. Or at least that’s what it feels like. I swear sometimes I think my game is like at least 60% eye contact now.

If the eyes are the window to the soul then I’m a cat burglar. Climbing up in there and breaking in without making a sound. Snatching jewels and rearranging furniture.

Eye contact is such a big deal. If you’re looking at a girl dead in the eyes for longer than a few seconds and you haven’t made out yet, she will almost always be like “wwwwhhhaaaat???” followed by nervous laughter. That is the sound of her feeling insecure about the power dynamic that is taking place. She is now feeling self conscious and this is a great time to go in for a first kiss.

The ability to create and maintain silences and piercing eye contact puts you in control of the situation. This gets her feeling the need to win your approval and has her concerned with what you’re thinking about. It is powerful. As soon as you hear that “wwwwwhhhhaaaaaaat?” followed by giggling, you know you’re in.

Second, I dealt with her friend by what I call “romancing the cockblock”. This is where you totally win her friend over so that she is not an obstacle at all. I take everything that I would normally do to charm the living shit out of anybody and go full force on her for a few minutes so that she freaking loves me. It is a bit of a delicate balance and probably deserves to have a lot more written about it.

I needed to form an alliance with Julie, the cockblock. I also needed her to leave before me. In any gaming situation, I always romance the cockblock, best friend, be it a guy or whatever. It is always important for them to like you. If you can get them on your side, you’re golden.

What happened was that Madelyn had just gotten a new cocktail waitressing job and she wanted to practice serving us wine. So her friend Julie and I did this role playing thing where we acted like we were on a date, and Madelyn would come along and be our waitress.

Perfect opportunity to align with Julie. Madelyn was good with the specials but actually broke a glass. And watching her fuss around trying to open a bottle of wine was like watching a monkey trying to do a math problem. Hilarious.

So Julie and I were able to tease on Madelyn about her whack ass service and joke around about our terrible waitress. Thus forming an alliance.

To create an alliance, you just need to bandy up with someone against a common enemy. Even if it is all in good humored fun. That is why “shit talking”, “drama” and “rumors” are some of peoples favorite pastimes. Slander and Shit-talking is much more a way for people to connect with each other and form social alliances, than actually having anything to do with the flaws of the one who is at the brunt end of it.

Its why “kids are so cruel”. Unfortunately alliances are formed by having mutual hatred of something or someone else. So this is just kids “connecting” with one other. Another remnant of our tribal psychology that we can only be aware of and use to our advantage. Kids being kids.

The quickest way to form an alliance with anybody is to find something you can both hate and talk shit about ASAP. So it goes. The cockblock was romanced. And Madelyn was now starving for my attention.

Once Julie and I had established a connection, I was able to tell her (side bar style) that I have missed Madelyn and thought it was amazing how we had just happened upon each other suddenly like this. I made it apparent to her that I was looking forward to finally being able to spend some time with her later. Playing catch up…alone.

She took the polite hint. And sure enough when Madelyn came back with the next bottle of wine, Julie excused herself for the evening. “Oh I don’t know if I can drink another bottle…I’ve got to do…stuff tomorrow. You guys have a good time. Nice seeing you again Chat”

Perfect. Now finally alone with her, I was standing at a crossroads where I could either fail out and have to take a cab back home at 4 in the morning, or I could get her to invite me into her bed.

Fortunately I wasn’t too worried about it. I just had to escalate quickly.

I take her by the hand and start dancing with her. Not because I am a suave dancer or anything. I am a shit ridiculous dancer. But I wanted to immediately set the tone for close physical contact. And I wanted to get that first kiss out of the way. To set things back on track.

I did and we kissed. She put up a bit of token resistance pulling away, saying “I think we’re getting too intimate for our first time seeing each other (in so long)”.

I simply looked at her, bemused and laughing a bit, as if it were a cute gesture, and said
“I….know…..you…” and kissed her again. We were getting into it, and this time I pulled away, I asked her to put on some different music and just trotted off to the backyard like nothing happened. When she came back out I alternated between paying shit loads of attention to her, stimulating her emotions with stories and relating to hers, and making out with her…steadily escalating physically (knees on a pea gravel patio) until the bed was the only decent place for us to be.

I did not have to call a cab. It was beautiful.