Is it just me, or does the general attitude of the Zoophile community come off a bit pretentious?  They’re all like…”What? You think it’s weird that I blow horses?  Fucking SQUARE.  That’s how I roll.  Who the hell are you to judge? “

Its 2010, man.  Get with it you Neo-McCarthyist prick.  You probably think women shouldn’t be allowed to vote either, don’t you?  Homosexuality is not even slightly controversial anymore, and even hermaphrodites and transsexuals can hardly cause a stir these day.  So here come the Zoo’s.  And they want rights.  And attention.
Look at me!  Look at me! I Loooooove horsies! GittyUp!

If you’re not hip to the lingo, a Zoophile is exactly what it sounds like: someone who fucks animals.  Zoo’s would probably beg to differ with me on that definition though.  It seems they like to define themselves as “People who love animals more than most” or  “people who identify and feel a special connection with animals”. By that definition, anyone who thinks their dog is an “old soul” or enjoys an Animal Planet marathon is a zoophile.

Most vegetarians like myself would be considered zoophiles.  Anyone who supports PETA is a zoophile.  Bullshit.  Unlike other animal lovers, zoophiles all share a very specific defining quality that sets them apart: they have sex with them.

Ask a zoo what their scene is all about, and they will almost certainly leave out the part about dog or horse cock.  But that is what makes them Zoo’s.  If you don’t actually fuck them, then sorry, you’re not a zoo.  Get back in line with the rest of us plain vanilla animal friendly folk.
Zoophilia is going mainstream.  And I think it’s hilarious.

Dogs seem to be the “gateway drug” and horses are the heroin.  Like heroin, you had better be careful with that shit.  A little too much will kill you.

I was on a date yesterday with a psychology major with a particular interest in sexual deviancy.  And whenever a girl says that one of her main interests is “sexual deviancy” within the first ten minutes of the first date, I usually go ahead and see that one through.  I’d write an FR about it, but it was pretty cut and dry. No lines, no routines, no seduction tactics.  We hung out at a 24 hour starbucks until about 4am.  She had to be at class at 7am.  When I said “come over right after class.  You won’t need your wits about you.  Plus, you can take a nap there.”  It was pretty well understood what was going down.

If you haven’t noticed, my seduction style is pretty straight forward.  I don’t’ use much trickery.  When I do, it is in only to veil the very obvious sub-communication.  Anyway, after our own demonstrations of sexual deviancy, we got back on that topic and started watching the movie “Zoo”.  This is a movie about the guy who went and got himself fucked to death by a horse. Interesting premise for a documentary.  I had preconceived notions.  I had questions.

The film did, however, leave many of my questions unanswered.  And what was certainly meant to be at least something of a plea for zoophile acceptance kind of message, left me with mixed messages.  I think all this rhetoric about “being in touch with animals” (pun accidental, but intended) is a bunch of whitewashing denial.

A huge part of my personal philosophy is being absolutely unashamed of and real with yourself.  And for zoos to carry on like they are just more in tune with nature- more sophisticated and empathetic than the rest of us, is nothing more than them skirting the whole “horse dick” issue.

Hey, if horse dick is your thing, by all means have at it.  I am not in the camp that is crying “animal cruelty” here at all. I’ll get to my opinion on that in a sec…But while banging hooved beasts isn’t my thing, if it’s yours then by all means, have at it.  Just don’t act like it’s about something that it isn’t.  Fine, bang a horse, film it and put it on ZooTube, but don’t go acting like a pompous asshole about it.

The general vibe I get from the literature I have read in the last few hours on the subject of zoophilia- they all talk about this over-sensitive, sacrificial “doing it for the animal” kind of devotion.  What a crock of shit.  Fess up to your bizarre paraphilia and stop lying to yourself.  In every case scenario, I think that lying to yourself is dangerous. It does horrific damage to your psych.  Embrace that shit.  Enjoy your subculture status.  There is already a subculture of animal rights activists and animal lovers- we just don’t fuck them.

And enough with all this nonsense about “giving the animal the gift (of your asshole)”, as if it is a purely altruistic deed.  As if you’re taking one for the team.  Get over yourself.  I would be willing to bet that in 99% of all horsefucking incidents, there was a female horse not too far away.  He would have just gone over and put it in her instead.  And that would have been great for both parties involved since her vagina is capable of handling that sort of thing.

You think you’re some kind of delicacy?  Your tight little human ass is some kind of rare treat?  Come on now.  Don’t lie.  Your choice to oil up your butt and have your spotter come help you out had very little to do with your loving desire to pleasure the horse.  The horse would have been just fine with banging another horse.
I do not have to guesstimate the size of this horses business because (of course) these guys videotaped the incident.  (yes, I will include a link at the end. Sicko…)  The guy in the movie had about 12 horses.  They clearly preferred this one because it was the biggest.

Another thing, If you watch the video, which of course you will, you will notice another dead give-away that pleasuring the horse out of lovey-dovey sentiment was not of anyone’s main concern.  Look at the strange spiky piercings on the guys balls.  He has at least 3 of these.  This is a pretty clear indication that he was into masochism at least a little bit.  So enough with all the romanticism.  This guy just wanted to be stretched out by a horse.

Mr. Hands was known in the community for distributing videos of his animal conquests online.  Here in the real world, if I say I fuck my girlfriend because I love her so much that I want to give her the gift of intimate connection and pleasure….and then I film it unbeknownst to her, and sell tapes of it online so others may get off to it, people would rightfully call that a contradiction.

Interestingly enough, this guy was an engineer for Boeing.  It would seem that an engineer would take note of the simple physics of the situation.  There’s this one part in the movie where one of the guys says something like “you gotta be careful when you walk through the barn, otherwise the animals will mount you”…what bullshit.  As you see in the video, these guys need the assistance of a buddy to get the dick in there.  Nothing casual about it.  Penetration couldn’t possibly even occur without assistance. If it simply tried to mount you, it would do nothing but knock you over.

Anyway, before I end my tirade, I feel that it wouldn’t be right to write what is most likely my only piece on zoophilia without throwing in my two cents on what seems to be the other major issue of hot debate on the topic…
Is it animal cruelty?

My opinion, as an animal friendly vegetarian…NO.  I cannot see how this is cruel to the animals.  As far as the consensual/non-consensual debate…Shut the fuck up. Consensual sex is an entirely HUMAN concept and does not apply to animals.  This is a pretty important point that a lot of people don’t seem to get.  In the animal world there is no such thing as consensual sex.  The alpha male kicks the shit out of the beta male and takes the pussy.  There is no “but she’s only 15” or “I’m not in the mood”  in the animal kingdom.

I’ve seen people debate this argument with weak retorts like “like a child, an animal cannot reason like a human adult, and therefore cannot consent to sex”.  Seriously?  Like a child?  You talk about them like they’re retarded.  These are full grown animals.  In this case, a full grown Arabian stallion.  This horse will put his dick wherever he damn well pleases.  Animals don’t beg for sex.  They don’t ask for fucking consent.  They don’t feel “dirty” or ashamed after sex or develop issues as to whether or not they “deserved to be treated like that” The sooner people get over their psychotic complexes about sex and recognize it for what it is, the sooner we can all stop living in a constant state of backwards ass illusion and move forward as a species.

And to anyone who’s confused, no this isn’t about a hate rant about my intolerance towards those of an alternative lifestyle.  I am giving them shit because of their obnoxious, misleading and pretentious stance about their cause.